I so wish men could gestate. I want a kid but I don't want sacrifice my body, go through pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding. (waiting for all the women to tell me to just "do it" despite saying the above, being ignored as a woman is just so engrained lol)
I’m in complete agreement with you. I’ve been told that those concerns aren’t valid, even that I should do it anyway because that’s the “primary purpose of my body.” WTF?! Love children, but it’s weird how far we are still from universally understanding that it’s not only a choice, but an incredibly difficult one. Not a no brainer in any case.
Exactly! I have never wanted to be a biological mother, something that was clear to me for a number of reasons as early as my teenage years. Even as my biological clock ticks, still nothing. BUT I love being part of the village that surrounds the kids belonging to friends and family. The fact that this part of raising a child is regularly ignored as "not being the same" (which translates to "not good enough") is so frustrating to me. Like, I will take your child when you need a break, I will walk with them to school, I will be the shoulder they can come to when they're not sure about Mum & Dad being ready... But I'm not doing it right unless I have a baby?
I think it’s good that you’re listening to what you want (more). Cause if you value your own body above your child, then i think it’s better to not become a parent.
I have kids, and have offered literal parts of my body to try and save one of them, that was not necessary at the last moment. So no this is not a “sick burn,” it’s just that I believe if you’re not willing to sacrifice your body, which will decay when you get older anyway, how are you going to cope with sacrificing 20 years of your life raising them? If you’re going to have resentment against your child because they (possibly) caused difficulty with your body, then it is a loss-loss situation. Better to live happily without children for them then, right?
It's not possible to transplant your organs into your dying baby girl when she's too sick to even survive an operation. No matter how much you beg the doctors to take what you have to save her. You can only look on and sing to her as she is fighting for her life.
I hope you find yourself in the right position to adopt someday. I hope you get a chance to love a kid who needs it and not deal with the body horror that is gestation. I have no desire to be pregnant either, though I also have no desire to be a mother in any capacity. I know I’m not made for it. But I know that if I ever “change my mind” as so many old people tell me I will, I would choose to give my love and patience (if I’ve gained it by then) to a child who has been deprived it from their own family. I cannot understand the people who say they couldn’t love an adopted child the same. We love our partners, our pets, and all sorts of other things that existed before we came into their lives and have no genetic ties to us at all. I hope you can have your cake and eat it too someday. The kid and the body of a woman without any.
The relationship part of being a parent, and having this wonderful being to love, is incomparably great. Unfortunately the work part of being a parent, which goes on for decades and if anything gets more involved over time, is heavily onerous and our society/economy does nothing to support it and make it bearable and shareable.
Stunning prose. Also, it is thrilling to see that this was written over a year ago and seems to be blossoming on the algorithm right now( somehow I found this on my home page and I am glad!!). I hope the notifications find you in a new and uniquely beautiful phase, and I hope to read about it too sometime.
Well said and it’s true for each child. I’ve heard it said parenting is like a Tardis, it’s bigger on the inside. It looks maybe small and limiting from the outside but inside, but inside it opens up.
I love the way you worded that. In the past I only saw the limitations of parenthood and other ‘adult’ responsibilities. Now I see new adventures with opportunities for growth and joy. I see my mom through a new lens and hope to love as she loves.
When I was young, my mom told me that I should have kids because “who will take care of you when you’re old?!”
Nowadays my mom and I don’t speak.
But I do have a child of my own. And I don’t know for certain what our relationship will look like when he’s older. But I do know that being a mother has:
• literally altered my brain and my body (endearing),
• taught me so much about myself, and
• given me a different kind of joy than I ever had before.
None of these are reasons I’d give someone to have kids. Only the unexpected and cherished byproducts of a leap of faith.
I never want to have a baby, but I love hanging out with other people's kids. They're great! I love watching them grow and learn stuff, even if it is confronting that some of them are teenagers or even adults now. (I'm still in my 30s! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!) But do I think I have the patience and health needed to parent full time? Christ, no. And that's okay because I'm honoured to be a part of friends' and family's villages, because I know that they need a break from it all from time to time.
I definitely shouldn't have a kid, but I don't need to because I'm so blessed already.
I'm still here with a 9 month old and postpartum has been heavy! Such a shocking shift in life. And we are still in the phase of mostly repetitive, boring tasks. However, it does get better and better! And it's refreshing to read that it continues to when a lot of what I see online about raising small children is so negative. Thanks for sharing!
Better better and better. I have a recently-turned 2 year old and it's so much fun. We just started potty training her and I'm experiencing some surprised pride I wasn't expecting. Offering her a challenge and seeing her rise to the occasion beyond my expectations is
Loved this. Thanks for writing. My first kid is 10 months-old and we are still in the grind phase. The growing of the light of consciousness is absolutely astounding to witness, however. Yesterday, we caught him purposefully searching for a song he liked and dancing to it when it came on. He has a toy that plays like 10-12 random little songs and he'll hit the button over and over again to get through the other songs until he finds the one he wants and then he dances to it, haha. It's so cute. He used to just tap it by accident and whatever happened, happened. But not this time.
Nothing makes my heart swell with joy more than his belly laugh. He can really get going when we play games together and it is an absolute rush of raw, unfettered joy to behold.
Good luck on the parenting journey, friend! Always nice to see other people on the same path and what they are thinking.
This is so insanely beautiful I lost myself in your world completely. I write those letters to my friends in my head all the time, but the way you articulated it — pure love.
Seeing other people love their kids gives me the cleanest, purest compersion.
I so wish men could gestate. I want a kid but I don't want sacrifice my body, go through pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding. (waiting for all the women to tell me to just "do it" despite saying the above, being ignored as a woman is just so engrained lol)
I’m in complete agreement with you. I’ve been told that those concerns aren’t valid, even that I should do it anyway because that’s the “primary purpose of my body.” WTF?! Love children, but it’s weird how far we are still from universally understanding that it’s not only a choice, but an incredibly difficult one. Not a no brainer in any case.
Exactly! I have never wanted to be a biological mother, something that was clear to me for a number of reasons as early as my teenage years. Even as my biological clock ticks, still nothing. BUT I love being part of the village that surrounds the kids belonging to friends and family. The fact that this part of raising a child is regularly ignored as "not being the same" (which translates to "not good enough") is so frustrating to me. Like, I will take your child when you need a break, I will walk with them to school, I will be the shoulder they can come to when they're not sure about Mum & Dad being ready... But I'm not doing it right unless I have a baby?
Yeah, nah mate.
Me too! It's my biggest fear - pregnancy and birth. Yikes.
Your body will be sacrificed as you age regardless. It's better to get old with children than without.
I think it’s good that you’re listening to what you want (more). Cause if you value your own body above your child, then i think it’s better to not become a parent.
Sick burn from someone who will never carry a child.
I have kids, and have offered literal parts of my body to try and save one of them, that was not necessary at the last moment. So no this is not a “sick burn,” it’s just that I believe if you’re not willing to sacrifice your body, which will decay when you get older anyway, how are you going to cope with sacrificing 20 years of your life raising them? If you’re going to have resentment against your child because they (possibly) caused difficulty with your body, then it is a loss-loss situation. Better to live happily without children for them then, right?
Offered? But didn’t sacrifice😂😂😂 crying
It's not possible to transplant your organs into your dying baby girl when she's too sick to even survive an operation. No matter how much you beg the doctors to take what you have to save her. You can only look on and sing to her as she is fighting for her life.
I hope you find yourself in the right position to adopt someday. I hope you get a chance to love a kid who needs it and not deal with the body horror that is gestation. I have no desire to be pregnant either, though I also have no desire to be a mother in any capacity. I know I’m not made for it. But I know that if I ever “change my mind” as so many old people tell me I will, I would choose to give my love and patience (if I’ve gained it by then) to a child who has been deprived it from their own family. I cannot understand the people who say they couldn’t love an adopted child the same. We love our partners, our pets, and all sorts of other things that existed before we came into their lives and have no genetic ties to us at all. I hope you can have your cake and eat it too someday. The kid and the body of a woman without any.
If you like having one, you may want to consider having another. More than twice the work, yes, but also more than twice the joy :D
That sounds like a good deal to me!
Harder in some ways but they do entertain one another. The best gift I gave my daughter was her little sister.
I have two girls: a 4 and a 2 .... and the chaos is at level 10. Despite that, seeing them play and grow together is extremely rewarding :)
The relationship part of being a parent, and having this wonderful being to love, is incomparably great. Unfortunately the work part of being a parent, which goes on for decades and if anything gets more involved over time, is heavily onerous and our society/economy does nothing to support it and make it bearable and shareable.
Stunning prose. Also, it is thrilling to see that this was written over a year ago and seems to be blossoming on the algorithm right now( somehow I found this on my home page and I am glad!!). I hope the notifications find you in a new and uniquely beautiful phase, and I hope to read about it too sometime.
Well said and it’s true for each child. I’ve heard it said parenting is like a Tardis, it’s bigger on the inside. It looks maybe small and limiting from the outside but inside, but inside it opens up.
I love the way you worded that. In the past I only saw the limitations of parenthood and other ‘adult’ responsibilities. Now I see new adventures with opportunities for growth and joy. I see my mom through a new lens and hope to love as she loves.
Dear S, whatever else you may do or not do, this is the best advice in the whole wide world and I hope you take it.
When I was young, my mom told me that I should have kids because “who will take care of you when you’re old?!”
Nowadays my mom and I don’t speak.
But I do have a child of my own. And I don’t know for certain what our relationship will look like when he’s older. But I do know that being a mother has:
• literally altered my brain and my body (endearing),
• taught me so much about myself, and
• given me a different kind of joy than I ever had before.
None of these are reasons I’d give someone to have kids. Only the unexpected and cherished byproducts of a leap of faith.
I sincerely want to have kids just so that I can name them and play multiplayer video games with them.
I never want to have a baby, but I love hanging out with other people's kids. They're great! I love watching them grow and learn stuff, even if it is confronting that some of them are teenagers or even adults now. (I'm still in my 30s! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!) But do I think I have the patience and health needed to parent full time? Christ, no. And that's okay because I'm honoured to be a part of friends' and family's villages, because I know that they need a break from it all from time to time.
I definitely shouldn't have a kid, but I don't need to because I'm so blessed already.
I'm still here with a 9 month old and postpartum has been heavy! Such a shocking shift in life. And we are still in the phase of mostly repetitive, boring tasks. However, it does get better and better! And it's refreshing to read that it continues to when a lot of what I see online about raising small children is so negative. Thanks for sharing!
Better better and better. I have a recently-turned 2 year old and it's so much fun. We just started potty training her and I'm experiencing some surprised pride I wasn't expecting. Offering her a challenge and seeing her rise to the occasion beyond my expectations is
really cool.
Loved this. Thanks for writing. My first kid is 10 months-old and we are still in the grind phase. The growing of the light of consciousness is absolutely astounding to witness, however. Yesterday, we caught him purposefully searching for a song he liked and dancing to it when it came on. He has a toy that plays like 10-12 random little songs and he'll hit the button over and over again to get through the other songs until he finds the one he wants and then he dances to it, haha. It's so cute. He used to just tap it by accident and whatever happened, happened. But not this time.
Nothing makes my heart swell with joy more than his belly laugh. He can really get going when we play games together and it is an absolute rush of raw, unfettered joy to behold.
Good luck on the parenting journey, friend! Always nice to see other people on the same path and what they are thinking.
This is so insanely beautiful I lost myself in your world completely. I write those letters to my friends in my head all the time, but the way you articulated it — pure love.
33 weeks pregnant with my first - thx for this :)
Agree!
So beautiful